Here are just a FEW of my 20+ years owning and running a studio.
#1
Potential client on phone:
“How much is it to record my band?”
Me: Well, it depends on the size of your project, how complex your parts are, how many players and overdubs, how well prepared you are…What is your budget?
Potential client on phone: “Fifteen”
Me: Fifteen hundred? Well we can get some decent work done for that.
Potential client on phone:
“No fifteen dollars.”
#2
Band’s own “producer” shows up. He says “That last mix you did was ok, but we need more cross imagery on the guitars.”
I ask “what magazine did you read that from? Circus?”
I then tweak some auxes on the console that are inactive. He says “better, give me more….no too far…there just right”
Me: Tell me about your credentials. How did you get to be a record producer?”
Producer: “mumble mumble”
Me: What?
Producer: I work at blockbuster music
Me: What do you do for blockbuster music?
Producer: Cashier
#3
Lady on phone: “How much will you charge me to fix my vcr?”
Me: We don’t fix VCR’s, this is a recording studio. Where did you get our phone number?
Lady on phone: “In the phone book under recording studios.”
Me: So why would you call a recording studio to fix your VCR?
Lady on phone: “You RECORD with your VCR don’t you?”
#4 Classic one here:
Me: What sound are you looking for on this part?
Musician: I’m looking for that “Robot who has suddenly gained conciousness and is only now realizing it sound”
Me: (After adjusting the Robot who has suddenly gained conciousness and is only now realizing it knob) “How’s that?”
#5 (Rap client)
After mixing his tune for two hours:
Rapper: It’s not clear enough
Me: I boost the treble and ask how is that?
Rapper: That sounds worse
Me: I cut the treble
Rapper: That sounds worse
Rapper: make it sound more phat
Me: I boost the bass
Rapper: that sounds worse
Me: I cut the bass
Rapper: that sounds worse (then he goes to the bathroom)
My assistant: Hey why don’t you just crank it up real loud?
Me: You are fucking brilliant!
Rapper: So wasup?
Me: “I made some major adjustments while you were in the bathroom, check it out.” I crank the fuck out of the original mix from two hours before…
Rapper: That’s perfect! Print it!
#6
So called producer (who actually is a radio DJ): “Turn the snare down, it’s too hot for the mix”
Me: “Uh, were not mixing were doing guitar solos and the guitar player likes the snare”
5 minutes later
So called producer: “Look man the snare is too loud”
Me: We’ll tweak that in the mix.
So called producer: “I’ve been in this business for 25 years. That snare is too loud”
Me: You know, the mix is the point where we’ll adjust all the levels. That’s where we’ll adjust the levels…”
So called producer: “That snare is too loud”
Me: Get the fuck out of here.
#7 Band on a budget
Drummer keeps fucking up. Band gets pissed. Tells the drummer to get it right this time or he’s out of the band. The drummer under this kind of pressure of course fucks up. Band fires him. Bye bye.
#8
Client: “That must be 360 degrees out of phase.”
#9
Client: “Can you put some distain on that?”
#10
Client: “Do you have a contortion pedal?”
#11 Guy brings in his home studio trax for me to mix…
Client: Why don’t my vocals sound any good?
Me: Sounds like you’re using a 58 on them!
Client: What’s wrong with that?
