Category: Musicians

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Boneheads Musicians Recording

What is a quarter note?

An absolutely horrid family music group is recording. Their complete lack of music abilities is almost rivalled by their instrument’s lack of intonnation.

They were at another studio run by a dude I know but he apparently stopped working with them…

Me: Ok, you’re off the click. The click is counting quarter notes and your down strum should be right with the quarter notes.
Client: What’s a quarter note?
Me: You don’t know what a quarter note is?
Client: No
Me: Well, shame on your music teacher for not teaching you what a quarter note is!
Client: Uh, I’m self taught.

Categories
Boneheads Musicians Random Rants Recording

People say the dumbest things…

Here are just a FEW of my 20+ years owning and running a studio.

#1
Potential client on phone:
“How much is it to record my band?”
Me: Well, it depends on the size of your project, how complex your parts are, how many players and overdubs, how well prepared you are…What is your budget?
Potential client on phone: “Fifteen”
Me: Fifteen hundred? Well we can get some decent work done for that.
Potential client on phone:
“No fifteen dollars.”

#2
Band’s own “producer” shows up. He says “That last mix you did was ok, but we need more cross imagery on the guitars.”
I ask “what magazine did you read that from? Circus?”
I then tweak some auxes on the console that are inactive. He says “better, give me more….no too far…there just right”
Me: Tell me about your credentials. How did you get to be a record producer?”
Producer: “mumble mumble”
Me: What?
Producer: I work at blockbuster music
Me: What do you do for blockbuster music?
Producer: Cashier

#3
Lady on phone: “How much will you charge me to fix my vcr?”
Me: We don’t fix VCR’s, this is a recording studio. Where did you get our phone number?
Lady on phone: “In the phone book under recording studios.”
Me: So why would you call a recording studio to fix your VCR?
Lady on phone: “You RECORD with your VCR don’t you?”

#4 Classic one here:
Me: What sound are you looking for on this part?
Musician: I’m looking for that “Robot who has suddenly gained conciousness and is only now realizing it sound”
Me: (After adjusting the Robot who has suddenly gained conciousness and is only now realizing it knob) “How’s that?”

#5 (Rap client)
After mixing his tune for two hours:
Rapper: It’s not clear enough
Me: I boost the treble and ask how is that?
Rapper: That sounds worse
Me: I cut the treble
Rapper: That sounds worse
Rapper: make it sound more phat
Me: I boost the bass
Rapper: that sounds worse
Me: I cut the bass
Rapper: that sounds worse (then he goes to the bathroom)
My assistant: Hey why don’t you just crank it up real loud?
Me: You are fucking brilliant!
Rapper: So wasup?
Me: “I made some major adjustments while you were in the bathroom, check it out.” I crank the fuck out of the original mix from two hours before…
Rapper: That’s perfect! Print it!

#6
So called producer (who actually is a radio DJ): “Turn the snare down, it’s too hot for the mix”
Me: “Uh, were not mixing were doing guitar solos and the guitar player likes the snare”
5 minutes later
So called producer: “Look man the snare is too loud”
Me: We’ll tweak that in the mix.
So called producer: “I’ve been in this business for 25 years. That snare is too loud”
Me: You know, the mix is the point where we’ll adjust all the levels. That’s where we’ll adjust the levels…”
So called producer: “That snare is too loud”
Me: Get the fuck out of here.

#7 Band on a budget
Drummer keeps fucking up. Band gets pissed. Tells the drummer to get it right this time or he’s out of the band. The drummer under this kind of pressure of course fucks up. Band fires him. Bye bye.

#8
Client: “That must be 360 degrees out of phase.”

#9
Client: “Can you put some distain on that?”

#10
Client: “Do you have a contortion pedal?”

#11 Guy brings in his home studio trax for me to mix…
Client: Why don’t my vocals sound any good?
Me: Sounds like you’re using a 58 on them!
Client: What’s wrong with that?

Categories
Boneheads Gigs Musicians Recording

The Rules Of Rock & Roll Vol. I

I’ve come up with some rules for the “rock & roll handbook” in all these years dealing with flaky musicians…. Here are a few:

1. Recording always takes longer than you expect.
2. Don’t schedule your CD release party before you have your CD’s in hand!
3. Don’t tell your significant other when you will be home from the studio.
4. Don’t bring your significant other to the studio.
5. Don’t name your band something that is too hard to spell or pronounce
6. Don’t spell your band name wrong
7. Don’t make your logo so complex that nobody can decipher what it is.

Categories
Boneheads Musicians Recording

WTF?

I had a metal band in one time and the drummer had a 16″ floor tom converted to a snare drum! He freaking put snare strainers on a 16″ floor tom…

During the mix he posed the question: “Can you make that sound more like a snare?”!!!!!

WTF?

Categories
Boneheads Gigs Musicians

Strange happenings at gigs

1. Half way to an out of state weekend gig riding in the guitar player’s van. I look over at him and he’s wearing two different shoes.

2. During load out of a gig there’s a big bar fight that’s gone outside. It’s very dark but you can see one dude on his knees beeing hammered in the face over and over. This dude is bloody and fucked up bad. He’s taking a real major beating. The person beating up this dude is a woman.

3. On break at a gig. Fine looking young woman comes up to the “band table.” She says “hi guys, I shaved my pussy tonight” and proceeds to lift her dress up and show us.

4. THE DRUNK BASS PLAYER:

Bass player gets drunk on his birthday. He’s really butchering the songs by the end of the first set. We go on break and call all the bass players we can find. We stall as long as we can but we have to go back on stage.

The bass player can hardly stand up at this point. He’s just playing garbage and rocking back and forth. The stage is about 5 feet off the dance floor. He falls of the stage but the audience just keeps catching him and pushing him back up on stage. Then he falls on the drum riser and ends up sitting on top of his bass right on the pickups. Let me tell you how nice that sounds…

The new bass player shows up! We throw the drunk bass player at the “band table” and start playing with the new one. After a song or two the drunk bass player wants to play again. Problem is, he can’t even walk now. So he CRAWLS up onto the stage and starts tugging at the bass. So the sober bass player hands the bass to him. He puts the bass on and starts playing. His face is now starting to turn blue because the guitar strap is not over his shoulder…its wrapped around his neck. He loses his balance and falls down the stairs on the side of the stage and plows over an entire table of drinks.

We go on break and throw him in a cab. We give the cabbie the dough and tell him where the drunk bass player lives. While driving away the drunk bass player yells out the window…”I’ll be back”

5. BAR FIGHT WITH STRANGE ENDING:

I’m standing at the bar on break waiting for a drink. I hear this kind of wierd smacking sound, followed by something hitting my leg…. I hear another smacking sound and something hits my leg again. I look over to see one dude punching another dude in the mouth. Each time he punches the dude one of his teeth flies out and hits my leg.

These dudes are then forced to take the fight outside. Being an opportunist I grab my video camera and start taping the fight outside. In the background coming down the street is a jeep. The jeep suddenly swerves and flips over onto it’s roof, right in the middle of the street. I immediately turn my video camera to the jeep. Two dudes crawl out of the jeep and try to flip it over but they are too weak and too drunk. They kick the jeep a few times and call it a piece of shit. Then they look around…look at each other…then take off and leave the jeep there.