Category: Gigs

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Gigs

Some chick’s visa card

If you’ve read any of my previous posts or know my band, you know my guitar player is a scatter brain. He’s one of those individuals who is gifted in certain areas but not in others. In the organizational area he is not. His gear is always broken, lost or malfunctioning. His cables are always tied in a knot and his jacks on all his guitars constantly short out.

So we’re at a gig one night and he breaks a string. No big deal. We just need to FIND another string to replace it. His Fender amp has an open back and most guitar players put a few small items in there like strings etc. I’m digging in the back of his amp and it’s like digging through a garbage can. Among the many things I find in his amp is a visa card belonging to some female that none of us know. How the hell does some unknown chick’s visa card end up in the back of his amp?

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Gigs Random Rants

Why would you?

When I play gigs I spend a lot of time bashing the skins and just observing the strange people in the audience. There are a few things I just don’t get.

Why would you cover your body with tatoos? Do you think this is attractive? It makes you look dirty.

Why would you pierce your ears and make the hole the size of a coke can? Do you think this is cool or attractive? It isn’t.

Why would you stick a metal spike through your nose, your eybrow, your neck etc? Do you think you are original? We’ll you’re not. You look like the thousands of other losers that are doing the same thing.

Why would you (female) wear a belly shirt when you are a fat ass? Do you think other people in the club want to see your fat belly hanging out of your belly shirt? We don’t want to see it. Do us a favor and wear some baggy clothes that cover up your gross body.

Why would you (male) wear those stupid looking rapper pants that are gigantic and have them falling down to your knees so your boxers are showing? You look like a stupid loser. Let me loan you a belt you bonehead. Who would want to hire you for a decent job? Who would want to marry you and spend a lifetime with your ugly ass? Besides that, you’re white.

Why would you wear your baseball hat sideways? Because you are too stupid to realize it fits a certain way. You think you are cool? You are a moron. Like George Carlin says “How can you trust a person who is too fucking stupid to put a baseball hat on straight?”

Why do you talk like a rapper when you are a freaking wonder bread white guy from some middle class white neighborhood in Utah? You’re not from the ghetto.

Why would you think it is cool to act like you are from Compton? All the poeple who live there wish they could get out.

Why would you flash gang signs with two or three fingers? You’re not in a gang. I know why you do it…you’re flahing your IQ.

Categories
Gigs Rants

Need a break

Had a gig in a dive last night. I was told that we had an opening band so I wouldn’t have to show up until 10:45pm. So I show up at 10:30 and while walking in the door I meet the guitar player for the 2nd opening band. So this means I won’t go on stage until midnight or later.

Being a non smoker and an extremely light drinker (about once/month), hanging around in smoky bar for an hour and a half didn’t seem fun. So I drove around town, gassed up the car and killed some time.

Once we were on stage I didn’t have much more fun. I love playing the drums but this place was FULL of cigarette smoke. I really hate smoke. The sound guy didn’t do a very good job and the freaking vocals were on the verge of feedback all night.

I also started to feel the slightest signs of my tennis elbow coming back.

I’m kind of burned out on these gigs we’ve been doing at these dives for crappy money. I think it’s time for me to take a break and bail on gigs for a couple of months.

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Boneheads Gear Gigs Musicians

Graphic EQ Catalog Setting

There’s a strip club in town that used to be one of the best spots for local music. When local music died, they turned to strippers. You have to pay the bills somehow.

One time my band was playing a gig with one other band at this club. We were having a terrible time with the sound man and the PA sounded awful. I finally decided to invade the soundman’s territory and see if I could make the PA sound any better.

The mains just sounded strange. I looked at the console and it looked OK. I found my way to the graphic EQ that controlled the mains and I found the problem. The EQ didn’t look anything like it should have. Many of the 31 frequencies were boosted that I’d never dream of boosting. Many were cut that obviously from the sound of it needed to be boosted. The EQ did look very “pretty” though. The knobs were neatly arranged in kind of an ocean wave line. When I went to set all the sliders to a better sounding setting, the soundman threw a fit and wouldn’t let me touch it.

It was at that point that I looked down at the magazine this bonehead sound man was reading. The mag was a typical audio or guitar player magazine type. It was opened to an advertisement for the exact EQ this sound man had installed! I then figured it all out. The advertisement had a really neat picture of this EQ and they had arranged all the 31 sliders in a very attractive line that looked like….an ocean wave.

So rather than knowing anything about sound and how to adjust it. This moron of a sound man put the sliders on his new EQ just like the ad in the magazine.

Categories
Gigs

The Ladies Toilet

There used to be this terrible club my band played at. It was an old porno movie theater. The stage was where the screen used to be and the audience was slanted. There was a pool hall upstairs.

One crappy night we were playing and I started to feel something dripping on my head, down my shirt, in my ear….

On the break I asked the barteder what was above the stage and he informed me that it was the ladies bathroom. Nice. The rock and roll dream is alive.