Category: Boneheads

Stupid musicians, stupid clients, general dumbasses and things people do that drive me nuts.

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Boneheads Random Recording

The “Goth” band Part II (the blood covered murderer)

I wrote about the Goth band earlier in “The Goth Band Part I.”

First of all these Goth guys are really cool. They dress “gothically” with all black and silver. For some strange reason they are all really tall. And they always bring a gallon jug of really cheap wine to the sessions and drink them out of silver chalices.

This particular event occured at approximately 2-3am after a long evening of recording. In case you have NO idea about the recording business, you have a lot of late nights. By “late” I don’t mean 10pm. I mean we watch the sun come up. But I digress…

2-3am we’re doing some mixing or tracking of some sort. Some of the band members went outside to have a smoke as they often do. The smokers come running into the studio with a very scared look on their faces and proceed to tell me they just witnessed a murder. The murderer is burying the body in a large snowbank. At this studio location there was a large parking lot which was used for several businesses. The snow plows always built up a big pile of snow which was about 50 feet outside my studio entrance.

We kill the lights and sneak out the front door and start creeping toward the murder scene. Sure enough, atop a giant snowbank is this guy digging in the snow. Mind you this is in the middle of the winter, 3am. This guy is dressed in a full suit & tie, and he is COVERED WITH BLOOD. The snow too is very bloddy. He’s got his pickup truck lights on so he can see what he is doing.

As I get closer I now realize I KNOW THIS GUY! It is this strange cat named Brian. He owns a used furniture store located a few doors down from my studio. I call out to him and ask what he’s doing. He’s quite calm and seemingly unsuprised that I’m talking to him. “Yeah” he replies as he wipes the blood off his face. “Uhhh, what are you doing???” I ask. He says “oh, I’m burying this deer.”

He proceeds to tell me the story of how he was driving down the freeway when he hit a deer with his pickup truck. But when he pulled over to see the deer it wasn’t dead. It was just dazed and confused, stumbling around. Rather than letting the deer shake it off and go home, he pulls out a 2×4 and proceeds to beat the friggin deer to death. After the deer is dead he throws it into his pickup and heads right for my parking lot. He buries the deer in the big snow bank to preserve it so later he can make deer-jerky out of it. He does all of this in a suit and tie…

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Boneheads Random

Experience saved me today

After being in business for myself for years I’ve learned some lessons that are quite valuable.

I not only do recording but I do a ton of small run CD/DVD duplication. Right now it’s Christmas season and I get lots of orders. The problem with this time of year is that most people blow off doing their Christmas projects until the last minute. Then they freak when they find out every place in town is slammed with people just like them trying to get their jobs done in time.

Over the years I’ve had many a project where something was not done right either due to client error, accident or my error. After “eating” several projects it is easy to figure out a new policy of requiring clients to “proof” their jobs before I run them.

So this lady orders a 200 piece CD job from me which includes the disc, cases, print etc. Of course she is in a big hurry and she approves her graphic layout quickly. I did the job (which was not easy) and got her taken care of. Two days after she picked up the discs she called to inform me that there was a typo. Oops. Too bad. I told her that I’d be happy to fix the job but she’d have to pay and she understood.

On another occasion I had a client who ordered 1000 custom CDs which were packaged with print into a dvd case. It was a nice piece. He proofed his art and approved it. As soon as he came to pick up his job he went straight to the typo on the disc and freeeeaaaked out. He was SO mad but he knew HE would have to eat the job if he wanted it fixed. He opted to keep it.

Experience saved me some dough today.

Categories
Boneheads Musicians Recording

What is a quarter note?

An absolutely horrid family music group is recording. Their complete lack of music abilities is almost rivalled by their instrument’s lack of intonnation.

They were at another studio run by a dude I know but he apparently stopped working with them…

Me: Ok, you’re off the click. The click is counting quarter notes and your down strum should be right with the quarter notes.
Client: What’s a quarter note?
Me: You don’t know what a quarter note is?
Client: No
Me: Well, shame on your music teacher for not teaching you what a quarter note is!
Client: Uh, I’m self taught.

Categories
Boneheads Musicians Random Rants Recording

People say the dumbest things…

Here are just a FEW of my 20+ years owning and running a studio.

#1
Potential client on phone:
“How much is it to record my band?”
Me: Well, it depends on the size of your project, how complex your parts are, how many players and overdubs, how well prepared you are…What is your budget?
Potential client on phone: “Fifteen”
Me: Fifteen hundred? Well we can get some decent work done for that.
Potential client on phone:
“No fifteen dollars.”

#2
Band’s own “producer” shows up. He says “That last mix you did was ok, but we need more cross imagery on the guitars.”
I ask “what magazine did you read that from? Circus?”
I then tweak some auxes on the console that are inactive. He says “better, give me more….no too far…there just right”
Me: Tell me about your credentials. How did you get to be a record producer?”
Producer: “mumble mumble”
Me: What?
Producer: I work at blockbuster music
Me: What do you do for blockbuster music?
Producer: Cashier

#3
Lady on phone: “How much will you charge me to fix my vcr?”
Me: We don’t fix VCR’s, this is a recording studio. Where did you get our phone number?
Lady on phone: “In the phone book under recording studios.”
Me: So why would you call a recording studio to fix your VCR?
Lady on phone: “You RECORD with your VCR don’t you?”

#4 Classic one here:
Me: What sound are you looking for on this part?
Musician: I’m looking for that “Robot who has suddenly gained conciousness and is only now realizing it sound”
Me: (After adjusting the Robot who has suddenly gained conciousness and is only now realizing it knob) “How’s that?”

#5 (Rap client)
After mixing his tune for two hours:
Rapper: It’s not clear enough
Me: I boost the treble and ask how is that?
Rapper: That sounds worse
Me: I cut the treble
Rapper: That sounds worse
Rapper: make it sound more phat
Me: I boost the bass
Rapper: that sounds worse
Me: I cut the bass
Rapper: that sounds worse (then he goes to the bathroom)
My assistant: Hey why don’t you just crank it up real loud?
Me: You are fucking brilliant!
Rapper: So wasup?
Me: “I made some major adjustments while you were in the bathroom, check it out.” I crank the fuck out of the original mix from two hours before…
Rapper: That’s perfect! Print it!

#6
So called producer (who actually is a radio DJ): “Turn the snare down, it’s too hot for the mix”
Me: “Uh, were not mixing were doing guitar solos and the guitar player likes the snare”
5 minutes later
So called producer: “Look man the snare is too loud”
Me: We’ll tweak that in the mix.
So called producer: “I’ve been in this business for 25 years. That snare is too loud”
Me: You know, the mix is the point where we’ll adjust all the levels. That’s where we’ll adjust the levels…”
So called producer: “That snare is too loud”
Me: Get the fuck out of here.

#7 Band on a budget
Drummer keeps fucking up. Band gets pissed. Tells the drummer to get it right this time or he’s out of the band. The drummer under this kind of pressure of course fucks up. Band fires him. Bye bye.

#8
Client: “That must be 360 degrees out of phase.”

#9
Client: “Can you put some distain on that?”

#10
Client: “Do you have a contortion pedal?”

#11 Guy brings in his home studio trax for me to mix…
Client: Why don’t my vocals sound any good?
Me: Sounds like you’re using a 58 on them!
Client: What’s wrong with that?

Categories
Boneheads Gigs Musicians Recording

The Rules Of Rock & Roll Vol. I

I’ve come up with some rules for the “rock & roll handbook” in all these years dealing with flaky musicians…. Here are a few:

1. Recording always takes longer than you expect.
2. Don’t schedule your CD release party before you have your CD’s in hand!
3. Don’t tell your significant other when you will be home from the studio.
4. Don’t bring your significant other to the studio.
5. Don’t name your band something that is too hard to spell or pronounce
6. Don’t spell your band name wrong
7. Don’t make your logo so complex that nobody can decipher what it is.