Categories
Boneheads Gigs Rants

“Tonto” The Drunk Indian

There are times in your life when a small decision makes a huge impact on your future. This may have been one of those times.

I played a gig at a club I’ve played at 100’s of times. The show was over, but I didn’t need to load my gear because we were playing there the next night as well. My car was parked right outside the club on the street. I was walking out the door when I felt a small urge to hit the bathroom. I could have held it until I got home, but I decided to go back into the club and relieve myself first.

When got back out of the bathroom I saw the familiar flashing lights of a cop car outside through the window. I didn’t think much of it as the cops nail people all the time leaving the clubs drunk. When I got outside I saw the nightmare.

The cop was right in front of the club, behind a white 1975 Maverick which had plowed into the back of MY car. My car looked to be about 1/2 a car. This all had to have happened within the last 30-60 seconds. The cop was there so quick I couldn’t believe it. The reason he was there so fast is that he was taking a break to eat a taco, parked in the Taco Time parking lot next door. He watched the driver plow into my car while eating his taco.

The driver was still in the Maverick and the cop was trying to get him out. The driver was too drunk to even stand up. The cop said “come on Tonto let’s go.” The drunk driver was “Tonto” from the indian reservation. I talked to the cop and we did all the usual police report stuff and then the officer gave Tonto the drunk test (which he of course failed).

Tonto was not only driving a very heavy vehicle, he had no driver’s license. Apparently you don’t need a license on the reservation. Tonto’s car had no auto registration or license plate. Apparently you don’t need license plates on the reservation. Tonto also had NO auto insurance. Apparently you don’t need auto insurance on the reservation. Tonto had just bought the car. Apparently you can buy a car on the reservation with no driver’s license or auto insurance. Tonto had been drinking way too much firewater. Apparently you don’t need a brain on the reservation.

In looking back on this crappy event I originally thought of it as bad luck. Hell my car was trashed. But upon more reflection I’m thinking of it as extremely lucky. Had I not decided to relieve myself I likely would have been killed when Tonto crushed me between his 75 Maverick and my car.

So I look at this as one of those small decisions that greatly impacts your future, or the opportunity to have a future for that matter.

Categories
Gigs Random

Best drum sub gig ever

Now that I’m on the topic of sub gigs I have to tell this story.

I got a call one afternoon from a guy who was the head of the most popular blues band in town. His drummer broke his hand or something so they needed me to sub for him that night. I was available so he gave me the address and told me when to be there.

I got there in just in time to setup and start playing. I saw the guitar player’s car out behind the venue so I just loaded in the back with him. I didn’t get a chance to even see what the main venue looked like as we were playing in a room in the back of the building.

We started the gig and I was a bit nervous because I hadn’t played a gig with this band before. They were good at giving me directions so I managed ok.

In the middle of the first song something strange happened. Two women jumped up on the stage in front of my kit and started dancing. This has happened to me before thousands of times, but this time was different. This time they took their clothes off….all of them. As it turned out, I was subbing for a blues band in a strip club! There were a few visual cues that I missed because I was watching the women instead of the band leader but I didn’t care much.

There is nothing more fun than playing music, watching women take their clothes off and getting paid for it!

Categories
Boneheads Gigs Musicians

Pathetic coke whore

Sometimes I do studio work and quite often live gigs drumming for bands who either don’t have a drummer or whose drummer can’t make the gig for some reason.

One night I was doing a drum sub gig for a band that played what I’d call cool 70’s music. There’s cool 70’s and not cool 70’s. The guitar player had a “girlfriend” who was quite beautiful. In fact I honestly thought she was on another level than him. I couldn’t quite figure out why she was with this guy even though he seemed cool.

I later figured out later that she was with him because he was her sugar daddy. Turns out he was quite the coke dealer/user. This explained a few of his “mannerisms” that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

I guess (I wouldn’t know) when you have your own personal coke whore that you supply coke to, you have to ration it out. During the gig she kept coming up to the stage and talking in his ear while we were playing. He kept giving her the brush off.

This stage was fairly high and small. The level of the stage was about 5 feet off the ground in this club. After being rejected, the coke whore left the dance floor and sneakingly crawled up the stage stairway. I watched her the whole time but the guitar player couldn’t see her. Keep in mind that at this point I still don’t know she is a coke whore and that he is a coke dealer. She watched him intensely and when he was playing a lead or doing some vocals she’d crawl ever closer to him on the stage. She crawled on hands and knees right behind my kit. I looked down at her and she looked up at me with a “sssshhh” look in her eyes. She finally found a spot behind the backline of the gear. She got right behind the guitar players amp stack completely out of view of the guitar player and the audience, but in my plain view.

She started digging in the back of his open back guitar amp. After throwning a few pairs of extra strings and a tuner on the floor she found what she was looking for….the coke. She opened up the baggie, put it in her hand and snorted the shit out of it. She emptied some more and did it again. Then she just kicked back and leaned against the amp and started to get “that look” on her face. She was high as a kite and pathetic as hell.

I wonder how many bucks worth she snorted there because later the guitar player was very pissed at her. Having already gotten her goods I wonder if the guitar player got his after the gig…

Categories
Gigs Musicians

“Your bass player is too hard to watch”

Years ago a rock & roll band I was in took a little trek to Kemmerer Wyoming to do a gig. Playing a gig in the Twilight Zone would be normal compared to this gig.

Our bass player liked to jump around on stage while playing. He would even do the headbanger move and flip his very long hair all around. It was quite entertaining. He also wore his pajamas for the gig. Gee I can’t imagine why these hicks from Kemmerer thought this was out of the ordinary.

The people in the audience just kind of stood against the back wall of the venue and just watched in disbelief. They looked like deer in your headlights. When we went on break they literally came up and asked: “Can you tell your bass player to stop jumping around? He’s too hard to watch.”

Categories
Gear

THE coolest Mac ever: the MACMINI

OH MAN ARE THESE COOL! AND CHEAP!!! The computer would will never be the same.

A 1.25ghz G4 with hard drive, combo cd-r/dvd, 256 megs of ram for 499? Unbelievable. I want 5 of them. Oh and it’s like 2″ tall and about 5×6″ in size???!!! wow.

Face reality Dell, Gateway, Compaq: Your engineers have NOTHING on Apple’s engineers….nothing.