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Boneheads Musicians Recording

New Way To Write Vocal Tracks

I’ve had this one client for years. He is very cool. He wants SO bad to be a rock star. He hires great musicians for his albums and the tunes are pretty good. There’s only one problem. He has no ear for pitch and he can’t sing.

It is a nightmare trying to get a take out of this guy. For years it has been like throwing darts in the dark and hoping you hit something. We’d try lines over and over again, hundreds of times until we found ONE good one to keep. Then move on to the next line.

Thanks to today’s technology we have a new way for this guy to write and perform his vocal tracks in the studio. Most everyone knows about “Auto-Tune” hardware/software. I prefer to call them pitch correctors. You basically punch in the key of the song and it automatically makes every note the person sings fit a note in the key, even if they are way off. The most famous misuse of this is in Cher’s “Do You Believe In Love” where her voice starts to sound like a robot. That is what the pitch corrector sounds like when it is set too high.

Anyway, enough background. So the new way we have to get vocal parts written and recorded for this guy is just plain sick (in a good and bad way). I’ll basically run the track and he’ll just sing the words as best he can (which isn’t very good). He’ll just freaking butcher the vocal parts but he’ll get through the tune. Then we’ll put the auto-tuner on his voice and set it to the “Cher setting.” That thing takes all of his bad notes and puts them in tune.

Then he goes through over and over again, singing to his new found notes and melody. Then he lays down the track, as close to the pitch corrected version as he can. After that track is down, we take out the old one, and auto-tune the new one. Voila! New vocal part!

To me pitch correctors should be used only sparingly, to tweak great vocal parts that just need a little help. But in this case, the auto-tuner just plain helps me get the job done.

Categories
Boneheads

Dumb ass caller

I just answered the phone 5 minutes ago:

Caller: “Yeah is this the video production company?”
Me: “Uh no I do audio recording”
Caller: “I’ve got this rap show this weekend and I need a camera crew”
Me: “Well I don’t do video. Can I give you the number of a place that does?”
Caller: “So you don’t do video?”
Me: “No. Can I give you the number of a company that does do video”
Caller: “Can you have them call me?”
Me: “Well sir, I’d rather give you their number and have you call them at your convenience”
Caller: “I don’t wanna do this call around shit. Besides I don’t have a pencil”

Caller hangs up.

Categories
Boneheads Gigs Musicians Rants

Coke Addict Door Man

There was about a 7-10 year period where my band was the hottest band in town. I’m not exaggerating at all. Back in the late 80’s and early 90’s we could sell out clubs 5 nights a week. We were making tons of dough every night. I slept until noon and didn’t do anything during the day. Then night would come and another fun gig with a huge crowd, tons of chicks and lots of craziness would ensue.

We played this one club that probably held about 500 people one night. We had that freaking place so packed it would take you 15 minutes to walk across the room to the bathroom. It was a fire code violation from hell.

We were excited to collect our money at the end of the night because we knew we’d be getting some major cash. So we hook up with the door man to collect. He sniffled a little and said “here you go boys” and hands us $200.00 total. We looked at this door man like he was from mars. “$200? That’s it?” we asked. With a sniff sniff and a few hyperactive wipes of his nose he says “yup.” “That’s bullshit man did you see how many people were in here?” We asked. “This is the door” he says with a sniff sniff and a wipe wipe.

The door man snorted all our freaking dough up his nose.

That was the last time we played in that club.

Categories
Boneheads

Bitch who turns out to be an inlaw

I had a last minute rush vocal job for this chick who called. She was in a big hurry.

I set her up in a sound room and did the recording. She was very impatient and never wanted to even give me time to set things up properly. She was a snobby, snooty, better than you kind of person who thought she was a hottie but she was hardly that.

When the recording was done it was time to mix. She didn’t have time to mix. She said “just throw it on a CD, I’m in a hurry.” I then informed her that if this project wasn’t mixed, it wouldn’t sound good. Simply slapping rough tracks onto CD would be for review purposes only. Not suitable for release to anyone. “Yeah, yeah. Just throw it on a CD.”

That was fine with me. It simply got that bitch out of my studio quicker.

That evening the phone rings and it’s the bitch. She freaks out on the phone about how terrible my work was. She goes ape shit over how bad it sounded. She insults me and tells me that my studio sucks.

You know you just can’t win. You try to explain to the bitch that the project won’t sound good until it is mixed. Then when you give her WHAT SHE AKSED FOR she insults you. No win situation.

I get home and tell my wife about this BITCH. My wife asks me what her name is… IT’S MY SISTER IN LAW!

She’s been on 2 or 3 TV ads here lately. I just about want to puke every time these spots come on. What a bitch.

Categories
Boneheads Recording

This is why I need to quit this business

Checked my phone messages the other day and this is what I get:

Phone Message

This is an .mp3 file. I claim no responsibility for the content of this audio file. Please do not play this if you are offended by 4 letter words. I wouldn’t play it in front of your boss at work either. Please do not play it in front of children!

Parental Guideance Suggested.