Category: Boneheads

Stupid musicians, stupid clients, general dumbasses and things people do that drive me nuts.

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Boneheads Gigs Random

Treating client’s projects with the utmost care

My studio world has been all messed up with moving a couple of times and having 75% of my gear in a storage unit. I’ve been operating out of home office setups for a while which is a pain in the ass. Soon I’ll be out of that situation and in my new place….soon.

A client called me and wanted me to do some work on her project. I let her know her master was in my storage unit and I’d get to it as soon as I went over there and got it.

I got it this morning. Not easy to get to. Move the two bikes, lawnmower, tape machine out of the way to get access to the “master vault.” I found her master, put it on the back of my car, locked up the storage unit and headed back to my office.

I get to my office and for the life of me I can’t find her damn master. Then the horror dawns on me. I left her master on the back bumper of my car. Oh shit!

I drove back (about 2 miles) to the storage unit and there was her master on the round just as you exit the unit. There are probably thousands of cars per hour driving down that street and luckily the master didn’t even have one tiny scratch on it. Talk about a good break.

This is all info she’ll never know…

Categories
Boneheads Gear

midigun: a rapper’s gun shaped instrument


Good God. Now rappers have an “instrument” they can put in their hand like a gun so they can control scratching, lighting, midi sounds and more. This device can be “intuitively” used? So it’s intuitive for a rapper to be holding a gun shaped device? No wonder I’m sick of this business.

midiGun 1.0

“The ‘midiGun’ is a novel handheld midi controller. This gunshaped interface was especially designed to remotely control realtime music softwares like Ableton LIVE, Traktor DJ or others.

The ‘midiGun’ replaces the classical DJ mixer and the keyboard at the same time. The ‘midiGun’ is a new kind of device that can be intuitively used because of its handy shape and easy accessible knobs, buttons and sensors.”

Categories
Boneheads Musicians

Lyrical genius

I’ve heard thousands of original lyrics from musicians you’ve never heard of and never will. There are tons of terrible lyric writers out there let me tell you. But sometimes the material some clients create is absolute magic.

Here’s the chorus from song one of my genius client’s album:

“People suck
They suck poo poo
People suck
They suck doggy doo doo”

Absolutely amazing.

Now here’s the chorus from song two of my genius client’s album:

“I wish I was dumb
I wish my brain was numb
Then I’d be happy
Then I’d be havin’ fun”

I’m in complete awe of the incredible literary and lyrical genius I’ve witnessed.

How about this stellar verse from a group of Italian rappers. Yes, Italian rappers.

“Oh mamma mia
My mouth’s got diarrhea
Gonna burn baby burn
Like a dick with gonorrea”

Wow. Amazing.

Categories
Boneheads Musicians

Crappy band stuffs ballot box

You know those local entertainment newspapers where each year they have a vote for the best local band, best female singer, best drummer etc? One year there was this shitty local band called Stone Pony (dumb name too). They stuffed the ballot box and had all their friends vote. So the awards ceremony went something like this:

“And the award for best band is…..Stone Pony”
“The award for best new band of the year is….Stone Pony”
“The award for best male vocalist is…..John from Stone Pony”
“The award for best bass player is…. Fred from Stone Pony”
“The award for best drummer is….Mike from Stone Pony”
“The best guitar player of the year is….Frank from Stone Pony”
“The best keyboard player of the year is…Chris from Stone Pony”
“The year’s best sound man is….Jason, the sound man for Stone Pony”
“The album of the year is…..Stone Pony”
“Best band to see live this year…Stone Pony”
“Best female vocalist of the year is….Sheila (girlfriend of someone in Stone Pony)”
“Best graphic design on an album cover is….Stone Pony”

Categories
Boneheads Random Recording

Proper techniques for storing analog tape

A client brought in some old reels from the 50’s or 60’s. These are cherished recordings of his now deceased mother performing plays back in her college days. These tapes show some new ways of storing irreplaceable analog recordings.

The two newest and best ways of storing analog reels are:

  1. Partially wrap the reel in aluminum foil. Be sure NOT to completely wrap the reel as the desired “effect” will not be achieved. It is also best to use foil that was previously used to wrap your last remaining piece of pizza when you went out to dinner the week before. The grease from the pizza serves to coat the tape with a lubricant which ensures smooth running operation of your old Teac 4300 reel machine.
  2. Stuff toilet paper into 2/3 of the reel. It is crucial NOT to stuff the toilet paper completely around the entire reel, or the desired “effect” will once again not be achieved.