Category: Boneheads

Stupid musicians, stupid clients, general dumbasses and things people do that drive me nuts.

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Boneheads Musicians Recording

How to get a record deal

I’ve been asked thousands of times “how do I get a record deal?” Most people think this is an extremely complex question with many different possibilities. But it really is simple. When people ask me this quesion I give them all the same answer:

Shop at 7-11.

Yes, shop at 7-11. This is how to get a record deal. I’ll explain:

There once was a rock band with a decent female singer that I had done many albums with. This band was just like any other rock band trying to “make it.” They practiced twice a week, did shows, released CD’s, sent their discs in to record companies etc. They were doing all the usual things a band does to break into the big time.

One day the female singer stopped in at 7-11 to pick up some sundries. On her way out she bumped into a guy and dropped all of her groceries. The guy was very nice, and helped her pick up her stuff. Introductions insued. The conversation soon led to him saying “I’m an A&R guy with XXX record company (one of the big 5), and her saying “I’m a singer.”

One thing led to another (don’t know if any sexual favors were involved), and she was offered a recording contract. The record company only wanted her so she immediately dumped her band in a very sour situation. She then moved to LA.

She spent 2 years in LA working on her album. Then one day, record company XXX went through some management changes and all the A&R guys were canned. When the A&R gets canned, usually their artists get canned as well unless they are proven sellers.

She returned from LA with no record deal, no money and no band.

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Boneheads Gear Gigs Musicians

Graphic EQ Catalog Setting

There’s a strip club in town that used to be one of the best spots for local music. When local music died, they turned to strippers. You have to pay the bills somehow.

One time my band was playing a gig with one other band at this club. We were having a terrible time with the sound man and the PA sounded awful. I finally decided to invade the soundman’s territory and see if I could make the PA sound any better.

The mains just sounded strange. I looked at the console and it looked OK. I found my way to the graphic EQ that controlled the mains and I found the problem. The EQ didn’t look anything like it should have. Many of the 31 frequencies were boosted that I’d never dream of boosting. Many were cut that obviously from the sound of it needed to be boosted. The EQ did look very “pretty” though. The knobs were neatly arranged in kind of an ocean wave line. When I went to set all the sliders to a better sounding setting, the soundman threw a fit and wouldn’t let me touch it.

It was at that point that I looked down at the magazine this bonehead sound man was reading. The mag was a typical audio or guitar player magazine type. It was opened to an advertisement for the exact EQ this sound man had installed! I then figured it all out. The advertisement had a really neat picture of this EQ and they had arranged all the 31 sliders in a very attractive line that looked like….an ocean wave.

So rather than knowing anything about sound and how to adjust it. This moron of a sound man put the sliders on his new EQ just like the ad in the magazine.

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Boneheads Musicians

Korn member finds God, leaves band

Now I’ve heard it all:

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. (AP) – A founding member of Korn is leaving the band to focus on his religious beliefs. “Korn has parted ways with guitarist Brian ‘Head’ Welch, who has chosen Jesus Christ as his savior, and will be dedicating his musical pursuits to that end,” said a statement posted Tuesday on Korn’s Web site.

Welch told The Bakersfield Californian that his decision might be surprising to some. “A lot of people think I’m crazy. I don’t care.”

Welch said he’d become increasingly disenchanted with producing heavy metal music that invokes dark and morbid images.

“Those guys in the band, they’re not bad guys. They’re just a bunch of kids getting marketed how these guys in the big corporate firms want to do,” Welch said. “It makes us look like bad people, but we’re really just a bunch of kids who never had a chance to grow up.”

Korn is working on its eighth album, set for release later this year. The band’s self-titled 1994 debut album sold more than 2 million copies.

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Boneheads Gear Gigs

Solving the loose tubes problem

On my last post I talked about my guitar player’s problem with his tubes falling out of his amp at the gig two nights ago.

At last night’s gig he solved the problem by setting his amp up on stage upside down…

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Boneheads Gear Gigs Musicians Random Rants Recording

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